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| 10.07.2007 |
| Tightrope walking |
I've been doing a lot of thinking, lately. My brain is making me think things that I normally wouldn't think about. More insecurities have appeared, making me fight desperately to put out the fires in my mind. It's as if my mind has split in half, and a part of it wants to ruin everything that I have fought so hard for. Sometimes it's like somebody else is controlling what I do.
... I didn't mean to. I know you don't care, but I feel like I broke your trust. Perhaps it's just my mind working things against me, magnifying them greater then they deserve to be. Or maybe I'm right to feel guilty. I don't know.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a puppet of sorts. When I hang around a person for a while, I slowly begin acting like them. Does anybody else ever notice this (happening to me or to themselves)? Over the years, I've picked up small gestures or speech from so many people. And I don't usually notice. If I do notice, though, it's a really strange feeling. It makes me feel disconnected from myself, as if I've become a whole new person.
Am I starting the cycle all over again, just following blindly with no real sense of direction? Or am I just falling back into something I knew so long ago? I can only hope you're helping me find my way back to something that was once so familiar. I don't want this to be just another lie, something that becomes branded upon my brain because I've been exposed to it so much. Please don't misunderstand! I am so glad that you can trust me and that you aren't afraid to talk about it. I'm just afraid of what would happen if I fell back in and got your hopes up, only to realize later on that it wasn't REAL. Does that make sense?
... I may or may not continue this post a little later on.Labels: Utter Confusion |
posted by Scarlet Gypsy @ Sunday, October 07, 2007  |
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| 2 Comments: |
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I do that all the time, picking up stuff from other people. Have you heard of my model of identity? A ball of wax, an extra drip here, a little chip there. Those tiny mannerisms are just little drips of wax. We're changeable entities, as we should be. This is just one more way we change.
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At the center of that ball of wax is the wax that never moves, melts or shapes. That's you.
I don't want you to think you are guilty of anything. It's not that I don't care, please don't say that: it's that I'm not concerned, because I trust you. My initial nervousness in telling you where it is was simply years of built-up shielding.
I don't think you're a puppet, I just think you are interested in particular qualities of others. You said "Small gestures or speech". Small.
Remember one of the first things I said - I don't like the standards and rules we're supposed to follow in society, like the one that tries to reduce love to some foolish human courtship ritual, observed by aliens with mild interest in the possibility of taking us to be pets. (Sorry. I know I should be more serious.) Basically, I mean that the following is hard to break away from, but if you can, you can find some beautiful and wondrous things.
Only you can determine what's real in your world. The decision is yours... so pick the world you want and reach for it. It may take time, but sitting and draining yourself away takes time too.
When you do choose, I really hope I'm in it. =D
As long as you're happy...
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Vagabond Sphinx
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Name: Scarlet Gypsy
About Me: I am an unknown, an enigma. I am misunderstood by all, yet unable to understand myself. For now, I am the Scarlet Gypsy; roaming from place to place, from thought to thought, until I can find myself under all the dust.
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I do that all the time, picking up stuff from other people. Have you heard of my model of identity? A ball of wax, an extra drip here, a little chip there. Those tiny mannerisms are just little drips of wax. We're changeable entities, as we should be. This is just one more way we change.