Vagabond Sphinx

10.07.2007
Tightrope walking
I've been doing a lot of thinking, lately. My brain is making me think things that I normally wouldn't think about. More insecurities have appeared, making me fight desperately to put out the fires in my mind. It's as if my mind has split in half, and a part of it wants to ruin everything that I have fought so hard for. Sometimes it's like somebody else is controlling what I do.
... I didn't mean to. I know you don't care, but I feel like I broke your trust. Perhaps it's just my mind working things against me, magnifying them greater then they deserve to be. Or maybe I'm right to feel guilty. I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a puppet of sorts. When I hang around a person for a while, I slowly begin acting like them. Does anybody else ever notice this (happening to me or to themselves)? Over the years, I've picked up small gestures or speech from so many people. And I don't usually notice. If I do notice, though, it's a really strange feeling. It makes me feel disconnected from myself, as if I've become a whole new person.
Am I starting the cycle all over again, just following blindly with no real sense of direction? Or am I just falling back into something I knew so long ago? I can only hope you're helping me find my way back to something that was once so familiar. I don't want this to be just another lie, something that becomes branded upon my brain because I've been exposed to it so much. Please don't misunderstand! I am so glad that you can trust me and that you aren't afraid to talk about it. I'm just afraid of what would happen if I fell back in and got your hopes up, only to realize later on that it wasn't REAL. Does that make sense?

... I may or may not continue this post a little later on.

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posted by Scarlet Gypsy @ Sunday, October 07, 2007   2 comments

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